This year has easily been the worst of my life. Going through a breakup of a 7 year friendship & relationship and losing my best friend at uni. What the fuck. How am I going to find the willpower to keep going.
Today has been so weird.
Woke up to breakfast in bed from my dad, then we went to Ford and ordered my new car which is a red fiesta ‘14 plate which will be aaaamazing! Then we went into town to get some flowers for Paddy’s parents. I got there and they were about to have a mass, which I decided I couldn’t stay for as it was only family. It was heartbreaking seeing his parents. His dad was smiley but him mum cried when she saw me. I cried on the way home but I was up all night worrying about how I would hold it together in front of them. I didn’t want to cry and I almost didn’t, sorry Paddy!
Then I went to see a local football match and now I’m off to my nans for the night with my 9-year-old cousin and a bottle of Rose.
So right now, all I’m feeling is that this can’t be real. Paddy is still alive and I’m going to see him as soon as I go back to uni. I haven’t cried once today and I feel guilty about it, so I found the 5 stages of grief from some psychologist where I found out denial is the first stage of getting over a loved one. The next one (anger) scares me so much right now. I’m feeling so so numb I’m getting on with everyday life and I don’t have a clue how I’m going to feel when the second phase starts. All I know is that I will need my friends and family supporting me as they have been over this past couple of days and a bottle of vodka on me at all times.